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Riding the wave of popularity he’s receiving in Iowa, Mitt Romney sat down for an interview with WHO’s Jan Mickelson, whose parents obviously did not love him or his younger sister, Tyrone.

Anyway, Mickelson’s show is apparently quite influential in Iowa’s conservative circles and his show has been frequented by many of the other candidates running for the nomination, except for Giuliani who’s running for President of 9/11.

The interview, which you can see below in all of it’s youtube-ified glory, starts warmly. Romney catches a few softballs, drops the names of a couple of local restaurants that his personal assistants may or may not have briefed him on before hand, and basically pretends he isn’t a multi-millionaire liberal elitist Latter Day Douchebag. However, as the questions get dicier, Romney does something I never thought he was capable of…he counters with reasonable and well thought out positions on his faith and his personal social policy.

Check out the action below, it’s well worth a look.

The host, Elaine Mickelson, apparently felt slighted by Romney’s previously concealed testicles and leaked the video to the media insinuating that he had just orchestrated the downfall of Mitt Romney.

Instead, Mitt comes off as opinionated but reasonable, and he alludes to the inclusion of Democratic and left-leaning personal friends of his who are not only in the upper echelons of his typically conservative church, but who actively espouse domestic policy positions that differ from his own. In other words, as Dolores Mickelson continues to accuse Romney of forsaking his faith because of his previous (bullshit) positions on abortion rights, Romney says, almost verbatim, that pro-choice does not equal pro-abortion and that the Democrats in his church are no less moral and sincere than he is.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Romney isn’t sincere. He flip flops like a pair of Reefs, but without the beer bottle opener in the sole.”

Well you’re right, but this glimpse of a more reasonable human being is exactly what is missing from the rest of the GOP field. If I had to pick any Republican to run this country, and I say this with as much hesitant bile and tar as American grammar allows, I would feel better having Romney in the White House than any other GOP candidate in the field.

Well, only if Tyrone Mickelson didn’t want the job.

Thanks to The Politico for the tip.

mccain1.jpgThe blogosphere, at this point, has it in for McCain.

I don’t really know why, perhaps its his oddly fascist-looking campaign website and cryptic, Franco-inspired logo? Or maybe it’s the stale air of a candidate who has done nothing remotely controversial or, frankly, interesting in his campaign thus far. He’s been spending too much money, too quickly, in all the wrong places and his campaign is suffering for it.

That being said, McCain managed to raise a little more than $11 million this quarter. Despite the mismanagement of his campaign, the number is significant. Let’s all have a nice, warm cup of perspective for a moment.

Can McCain win this nomination? While it’s difficult (read: irresponsible) to say for sure, we all know the answer is a big, resounding, no-effin’-way.

But let’s assume he could win; let’s pretend he’s not running against three well-financed and more popular opponents.

McCain has only $2 million in the bank, so a Romney-style TV ad blitz is out of the question for now, and he has no hope of running a real national campaign anytime soon. His only hope is an Edwards style blitz of the early primary states. Edwards has practically been living in Iowa and New Hampshire since he lost in 2004 and has plenty of money on hand to remain a viable contender for the nomination.

McCain, on the other hand, is relying on his charming townhall meetings. This is admittedly where he shines, but the truth is…how many of these can he realistically expect to host while still staying competitive in the Feb 5th states?

Truth is, we still can’t rule him out, no matter how unlikely it looks. Now for that nice glass of perspective I told you about before. McCain’s biggest threats are Giuliani, Romney, and Thompson (of the Fred variety). Both Romney and Giuliani’s respective campaigns are starting to hiccup…between the two Romney looks as though he’s stronger in the long term. Thompson is currently benefiting from a bit of a honeymoon, but I have a feeling voters will harden up to him once competency returns front and center…and once they figure out he’s as excited about being President as I am about being 60 some day…people will wise up.

It is still conceivable then that McCain could do enough townhalls, slap enough palms, and kiss enough babies the old fashioned way to gain momentum and media acceptance…possibly propelling him to the nomination on the virtual national primary on February 5th of next year.

Good luck Johnny boy, don’t let Charlie get to ya.

Zeh Donkey

A few quick notes and about the debate and my scores for the candidates before I head off to the beds.

  • Mike Gravel has Grape Nuts for brains, I am absolutely sure of it. No serious policy points, just the usual crazy outbursts of random insults lobbed at the other candidates. C-
  • Hillary Clinton could kick my ass, she was easily the most concise person on the stage. My God, what have we created… A
  • Dennis Kucinich loves Michael Moore, hates capitalism, and is totally into black chicks, the crowd ate him up. B
  • Barack Obama wanted to Have A Dream (TM) sooo bad on stage, but the evil Tavis Smiley wouldn’t let him have more than a few seconds. Obama can survive these events with stage presence alone, but he needs a pulpit to really take on Hillary (who’s the master of the heavy sound bite). B+
  • Bill Richardson is trying really, really hard to be Bill Clinton. Good policy points, nowhere near the flair of the other candidates…he can’t get away with being the boring wonk like Hillary can. B
  • John Edwards, soft spoken, a bit solemn. Making your audience cry won’t get you elected, but I was impressed with his willingness to engage the other candidates’ policy positions and offer some mature rebuttals. He did well this time. A
  • Chris Dodd had a good Clintonesque (as in Hillary) presence on-stage that was quite Presidential looking. Too bad he was trying to juggle the policies of Kucinich and Richardson…he was like a very deceptive tofu filet minon. B –
  • Joe Biden, as much as people make fun of him, he does so well in these debates I can’t fathom why he isn’t higher up in the polls. Wait, he’s Joe Biden, that’s why. Regardless, a lot of well articulated ideas. A

The candidates are getting better, and with the slow summer months ahead, we should begin to see the definitive front runners come late August.

Also, Cornel West looks really funny.

Okay Mr. Gravel, like the vast majority of Americans, I have not watched any of the super-early Presidential debates, and I probably won’t for some time. Thanks to your commercials, I have decided to give you a bit of my attention. So why, oh why, did you choose these now infamous bits?

I’m still trying to wrap my head around them –and I don’t mean any supposedly deep meaning to them. I’m trying to figure out why they thought these almost caveman-themed ads were a good idea. Yes, they’re different from other political commercials –but so’s superimposing your campaign URL over footage of nitro-burning funny cars.

No, whoever came up with these sort of freaky gems decided that they wanted to send some kind of message. Okay then… here are a few of the readings I made from these commercials:

  • Mike Gravel is an angry mute
  • If you’re stuck in the wilderness, you better hope Gravel isn’t out to get you
  • Mike Gravel might just kill us all
  • Mike Gravel will help us, for a price
  • Mike Gravel: The world turns to ashes campaign
  • Mike Gravel pick up rock, Mike Gravel throw rock, rock go splash!

If there were deep meaning to these ads, they’re so deep down and lost in the bizarro-world mindset that dreamed them up that I don’t dare go after them, lest I get pulled in. But what sort of person has a mind this dark and twisted? I was curious to see what this Gravel was all about so Googled and found out the man was a goddam US Senator …from Alaska. Holy shit, and here I thought Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens (R-Alaska) was an outstanding case of Land of the Midnight Sun crazy. What the fuck are they feeding these people up there? Bears? These godless killing machines must have have poisoned the state. Yes, Mr. President, I know we get a lot of oil from this area, but –damn it, sir– it’s time to accept the state as a basket case and cut our losses before it spreads to our borders through Canada. Fire, Mr. President. It’s time to take some of those extra nukes and show the Eskimo (pardon, Inuit) what Northern Lights really look like.

Well don't I look like a dick?According to the Politico, “potential” GOP Presidential candidate Fred Thompson flew to London today for the blessing of former Conservative Party leader and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in his bid to become the President of the United States of 1986.

I mean 2008, excuse me, I’m sorry.

Now any rational person would say something along the lines of “Why would a US candidate be looking for the endorsement of a former world leader who represents a party that has been out of power for more than a decade?” Well, rational person, Fred Thompson doesn’t care.

You see, Fred wants to pretend he’s Reagan, whose governing style was similar to Van Halen in that the leader did nothing except hog credit while the rest of the group went about ruining the country. This is a tactic Mr. Thompson is looking to emulate.

When Reagan ran for President, he had been a failed actor, the President of the Screen Actors Guild, and the Governor of the State of California. Mr. Thompson was a Senator from Tennessee who in his entire tenure did nothing to distinguish himself from his colleagues other than support McCain-Feingold, complain about how much work was involved in being a Senator, and marry a stripper.

Obviously, this man deserves to be President, especially since he’s already pretending to be the president.

When your only contribution to society is giving ugly men hope that they could marry pole dancers if they made enough money, the media deems you capable of running the country.

Back on track, Thompson will be having his picture taken with whatever is left of Lady Thatcher, and afterwards he’ll make out with David Cameron.

Of course, American conservatives should be furious that their golden boy feels the need to essentially ask permission from the former leader of another country before running for President, but of course they don’t care.

Liz Cheney, the well-known spawn of Beelzebub, and Mary “Botox” Matalin have also joined the Thompson campaign for some reason.

Image from Carlcoxphoto.com.

obama.jpgHey-O, back again after a bit of a hiatus.

USAToday (Where everything is A-OK…in COLOR!) is reporting that Hillary has managed a double digit lead over Diet Jesus Obama. Drudge has jumped on this, probably to raise Dick Morris’ blood pressure, but this is hardly new.

Hillary has a strong, organized, and effective campaign. She, along with Mitt Romney on the GOP side have managed to change this race into a new monster entirely. Here we have two strong contenders (meaning Clinton and Romney), who are neither well liked by even their own constituency, nor particularly energizing in their own right. That, however, doesn’t change the public’s awareness of their capability to lead.

Hillary’s ability to lead is unquestionable, I’m convinced she could successfully wrestle every Republican challenger to the ground physically…even if she has a harder shot at winning the general election.

But where does that leave Obama? Well, he leads every other Dem or GOP candidate among independents, he leads every other Democrat among conservative and GOP voters, and he leads every other candidate period in hypothetical general election mashups.

What can we take away from this? America isn’t necessarily ready for a black president, they are, however, ready to stop caring he is black.

America is ready for Obama.

Even if the Democrats aren’t.

It’s official, well not really but almost…in a little over a month anyway.

Come hither gentlemenFred Thompson, a mediocre character actor from the state that brought us both Bill Frist AND Al Gore, has told insiders that he intends to officially announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination on July Fourth aboard a red pickup truck. Sources say he will also have an eagle on his shoulder, a burning effigy of Osama bin Laden making out with Nancy Pelosi will be displayed behind him, and several other metaphorical symbols his campaign is keeping secret for the time being.

Sure, we’ve known this was going to happen sooner or later. Republicans have been saying for years that the Democrats have been bringing Hollywood values to Washington, except for Sonny Bono, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, and of course Fred Thompson. Mr. Thompson would bring his Presidential experience (via a demo reel) to the fold and make this race foam at the mouth.

That being said, the Republican race is now interesting again. All the indications point to a war of attrition between the 47 men running for the nod, and this may actually cause a vote to take place at the convention, which would be kind of cool.

Mitt Romney has executive experience, John McCain has foreign policy experience, and Giuliani has experience looking busy. Thompson has pretended to be Admirals, District Attorneys, hell, he even pretended to be President once on camera! Please, elect this guy!

In all seriousness, what does this mean for the race on both sides of the isle? Well, the GOP now has it’s proverbial pretty boy, someone with free media exposure who has had enough experience in Government to overstep Tancredo and Hunter, but doesn’t have enough to cause the scrutiny the current top three contenders have. He’s charismatic and folksy, but incredibly condescending at the same time and his radio hosting stints will provide the Democrats with more than enough ammo to pound him to the ground. His personal life is as contentious as Giuliani’s, and the enthusiasm around his campaign is similar to that of Ted Kennedy’s bid for the 1980 Democratic nomination.

In terms of fundraising, Thompson is relying on friends and associates, he doesn’t have the network of Mitt Romney, the suburban appeal of McCain, or the national admiration of Giuliani. His performance during the debates will be paramount, though his support from right wing media and the blogosphere will be fierce.

Let’s make something clear however, the Republicans still don’t have an Obama or an Edwards. There is no candidate that creates the ubiquitous excitement that Obama does for the Dems, and there is no candidate with an insurgent activist network as comprehensive as Edwards’. Democrats WANT to win this election, and the Republicans are projecting this as an uphill battle. They need to remember that there will eventually be a general election.

That being said, I’m still banking on Romney, I suppose we’ll see what happens.

Via The Politico.

Gay Photo by Fred08.com

BAAAhahahahahaJerry “Dick in a Box” Falwell is no longer among the living. Thus, if attendance at his funeral is any indication, he is of no use to the Republican Party any longer.

At least not formally.

Falwell was the founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, an enormous ex-soda bottling plant, that was hailed as one of the original “mega churches” in the country. The complex housed more than 10,000 people for the douchebag’s funeral, and while the building isn’t quite large enough to decimate entire planets…it could easily take out Massachusetts, part of Vermont, and a good chunk of Tattooine.

Anyway, back on track, not ONE of the 3,000 people running for the GOP ticket in 2008 was there, not one. Mary worshipping Papists Giuliani and Brownback weren’t there, Tom Tancredo and Mike Huckabee were harpooning Mexicans and masturbating to Burger King ads, respectively. McCain was pooping in his pants, Tommy Thompson blamed his bladder and hearing aide again, and Romney was sacrificing a Shitzu to the great mormon turkey God, Gobbler.

Am I forgetting someone? Oh yeah, and no one cares about Ron Paul.

Via HuffPo/AP

Photo, and hilariously offensive t-shirt, from (maybe NSFW) T-Shirt Hell.

Woo wooI am absolutely fascinated by the nomination process our Republican friends are currently going through.

As they tear each other into chunks of gay-hating hamburger meat, they are doing it over chunks of policy that the public at large simply views quite differently.

Look, the primary process is an ugly beast that brings out the worst in everyone…but the Democrats are arguing over who wants to end the war faster, get more children healthcare coverage sooner, and who wants to bake America the biggest, most delicious cupcake…and Kucinich wants to make it entirely out of tree bark.

The Republicans on the other hand, are busy arguing about how many babies they want to abort, how many more wars we can start, how many more Guantanamos we can have, and how many John Edwards gay jokes we can throw into a single broadcast.

The hollow dialogue on the right just got substantially more interesting as John “Senile Fucker” McCain finally ripped into Mitt “Sacred Undergarments” Romney over his pandering.

“In the case of Gov. Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it’s changed in less than a year from his position before, And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don’t know.”

Zing. Romney retorted with a highbrow, civilized response that criticized McCain’s support over this week’s immigration bill…but it’s so boring I won’t dignify it with a quote. When a campaign drops the chance for publicity to simply let a zinger like that go uncontested…well that means it’s time to hire campaign staff that are allowed to drink coffee.

via CNN.

At last night’s second GOP debate at the University of South Carolina, 37 white men promised America that they would torture the living daylights out of anyone who’s ever tasted falafel.

A nice taste of the culture of modern Republicanism can be had in the video below, a few key notes:

  • Brit Hume obviously watches a lot of 24.
  • Everyone in that room thought John McCain was a giant pussy.
  • Rudy Giuliani looks like a grandpa and likes to torture people on the side…maybe by suffocating “terrorists” with gallons of fixodent or whatever it is old people use to “aggressively interrogate” people.
  • Romney wants to franchise Guantanamo Bay.

Even more torturetastic action after the jump.

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