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Newt Gingrich tries to prove he isn’t an awkward, self-serving white guy reading phonetically written Spanish off of cue cards.

I am actually Puerto Rican…although you’d never know it by looking at me…and I looked to the Simpsons, as so many of us do, for some philosophical guidance as to the purpose and meaning of this little video.

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 Instead I found this picture, which pretty much sums it up.

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You’d think a former speaker of the house would have a relatively busy schedule consulting or speaking or running for president.

Newt, however doesn’t seem to agree and is instead spending his “valuable” time reviewing Sen. Chuck Schumer’s (D, NY) book Positively American on Amazon.

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¬†Sifting through his nearly 1000 Amazon Book reviews, you’ll find out several interesting facts about Mr. Gingrich.

  1. He likes to read a lot of novels.
  2. He likes to read a lot of trashy thrillers.
  3. He likes every single book he has ever read in his entire life.

In all fairness, his reviews are pretty good. I especially enjoy when he gets worked up about liberals halfway through any politically oriented book, I can imagine him red-faced and seething with anger before winding down and weeping uncontrollably. Maybe he calls John Boehner on the phone and asks if he needs any interns…I like to think so sometimes.

A couple of my favorites:

On Schumer’s Positively American:

“Schumer is a liberal and very positive Democrat but he is also very smart and has some profound insights into contemporary American thinking.”

On Bill O’Reilly’s Those Who Trespass:

“If you like watching Bill O’Reilly on Fox News, you will be delighted by this novel. You will wonder how O’Reilly ever kept his career in the industry when you learn that the novel is about a crazed newsman who is killing the people responsible for hurting his career and that the story has scathing images of venal, corrupt, cowardly, and dishonest newspeople.”

Straw Polls…a throwback to the lighter, more democratic days of democracy or an attempt at garnering a few million more bucks in political contributions?

How about a little bit of column A and B?Selecting a straw man

South Carolina may not be the most high profile state in the union, but to Republicans and their primaries it is considered the holy grail of political trials. Winning South Carolina has, only for Republicans mind you, been staggeringly accurate at predicting the GOP’s presidential nominee.

Even though the primary is still more than a year away. every major candidate (and many of the non-major candidates) have been canvassing away. According to my liberal media source (read: CNN), Arizona Sen. John “Lo-Pan” McCain has managed to squeek past Guliani by TWO Votes.

The poll went as follows (via CNN):

  • Arizona Sen. John McCain: 164
  • Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani: 162
  • California Rep. Duncan Hunter: 158
  • Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: 85
  • Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: 80
  • Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich: 33 (write-in)
  • Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: 21
  • Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: 10
  • Attorney John Cox: 4
  • Texas Rep. Ron Paul: 4
  • Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice: 2 (write-in)
  • Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore: 1
  • Former Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson: 1
  • Sanders (the party was unable to identify this candidate): 1 (write-in)

A few interesting notes, Romney did well considering his relatively low star power in the state. Newt Gingrich, who is not a candidate, was written in more often than Mike Huckabee and Tommy Thompson…who ARE official candidates. The two people who wrote in Condi are about to become Democrats and Sanders…well he’s just a delicious mystery now isn’t he?