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BAAAhahahahahaJerry “Dick in a Box” Falwell is no longer among the living. Thus, if attendance at his funeral is any indication, he is of no use to the Republican Party any longer.

At least not formally.

Falwell was the founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, an enormous ex-soda bottling plant, that was hailed as one of the original “mega churches” in the country. The complex housed more than 10,000 people for the douchebag’s funeral, and while the building isn’t quite large enough to decimate entire planets…it could easily take out Massachusetts, part of Vermont, and a good chunk of Tattooine.

Anyway, back on track, not ONE of the 3,000 people running for the GOP ticket in 2008 was there, not one. Mary worshipping Papists Giuliani and Brownback weren’t there, Tom Tancredo and Mike Huckabee were harpooning Mexicans and masturbating to Burger King ads, respectively. McCain was pooping in his pants, Tommy Thompson blamed his bladder and hearing aide again, and Romney was sacrificing a Shitzu to the great mormon turkey God, Gobbler.

Am I forgetting someone? Oh yeah, and no one cares about Ron Paul.

Via HuffPo/AP

Photo, and hilariously offensive t-shirt, from (maybe NSFW) T-Shirt Hell.

At last night’s second GOP debate at the University of South Carolina, 37 white men promised America that they would torture the living daylights out of anyone who’s ever tasted falafel.

A nice taste of the culture of modern Republicanism can be had in the video below, a few key notes:

  • Brit Hume obviously watches a lot of 24.
  • Everyone in that room thought John McCain was a giant pussy.
  • Rudy Giuliani looks like a grandpa and likes to torture people on the side…maybe by suffocating “terrorists” with gallons of fixodent or whatever it is old people use to “aggressively interrogate” people.
  • Romney wants to franchise Guantanamo Bay.

Even more torturetastic action after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Johnny.

The press has been unrelenting, after Giuliani made his much expected announcement that he was going to run for and lose the GOP primary, McCain decided he would follow suit and change his campaign from a previously arrogant andmccain.jpg presumptuous organization to an arrogant, presumptuous, and obtuse organization.

There is no such thing as fair in political campaigns, and after fielding the question of his age with humility and diplomacy for five years, McCain is now letting all of us know that we’re hurting his feelings and that we’re meanie heads.

Sure, the questioning is getting harsh, maybe a little bit mean spirited, but Americans have the right to be skeptical of a man who would be 76 at the end of his first Presidential term. The guy is almost at the point where his kids take away his car keys.

McCain’s incredibly ambitious attempt at winning the Presidency by losing the nomination and whining about it is in its next brilliant stage.  But do we really have to rub it in folks?

C’mon.

A lot of fuss has been made about the dollar amounts the various candidates have announced this quarter.

Momma has her $26 million plus a $10 million surplus from her senate race. Although he hasn’t officially announced his earnings yet, Obama reportedly used his Diet Jesus skills to net some $21-23 million.

Edwards chimed in with roughly $14 million, while Richardson pulled in a not-too-shabby $6 million. Dodd swung $4 million, I guess being chair of the Senate Banking Committee helps, and Biden pulled a measly $2 million.

On the Republican side, the Stormin’ Mormon kicked major GOP ass with $22 million, Giuliani came in second with $14 million, and McCain lagged behind with a paltry $12.5 million considering he still thinks he’s the inevitable candidate.

The real winners here? At first glance you’d say Clinton and Romney, and you’d be half right.

Clinton was fully expected to rake in cash, and even this enormous number is not all that surprising, but the real star of the Democrats is a Mr. Obama, who managed to net a larger donation base, with over 80,000 donors, than Clinton and her 50,000. Most of Obama’s donors obviously did not contribute the maximum, which means Obama has an entire mailing list of donors who are legally capable of donating more money and who have been willing to do so in the past.

On the GOP side, Romney is the clear winner here. Considering the man lacks any real name recognition outside of Massachusetts and Utah he has managed to propel his campaign to the top of the financial totem pole with his rolodex alone. Whether he has staying power remains to be seen…

Another interesting point to make is that, despite these numbers being record shattering in and of themselves, what is most interesting are the disparity between the Democratic and Republican candidates. Romney beat out every other Republican candidate, yet tied Obama in terms of funds. Even Biden and his 2 mil beat out all of the other 2nd and 3rd tier GOP candidates by leaps and bounds. Huckabee managed a pitiful $500,000.

Now lets see what things look like this summer when the second quarter results are due.

Giuliani is known for breaking down barriers, being a Republican who isn’t really Republican can be a tough gig at times…just ask Bloomberg and Chaffey.

The problem with running for President is that the media will invariably dissect every aspect of your private and professional life, as was the case with Da Mayor.  The NY Daily News is reporting that Giuliani’s law firm lobbies for Citgo Petroleum Corp., a subsidiary of the state owned oil company in Venezuela.

While it’s a bit unfair to attack Giuliani on his firm’s dealings with Citgo, which is a legitimate competing company in the U.S., it does make for some excellent cannon fodder for the other GOP candidates.

The blogosphere is buzzing with the word “hypocrite” regarding this story, and while it’s certainly unfortunate…I don’t see why it’s hypocritical per se.

Or am I just missing something here entirely?

Straw Polls…a throwback to the lighter, more democratic days of democracy or an attempt at garnering a few million more bucks in political contributions?

How about a little bit of column A and B?Selecting a straw man

South Carolina may not be the most high profile state in the union, but to Republicans and their primaries it is considered the holy grail of political trials. Winning South Carolina has, only for Republicans mind you, been staggeringly accurate at predicting the GOP’s presidential nominee.

Even though the primary is still more than a year away. every major candidate (and many of the non-major candidates) have been canvassing away. According to my liberal media source (read: CNN), Arizona Sen. John “Lo-Pan” McCain has managed to squeek past Guliani by TWO Votes.

The poll went as follows (via CNN):

  • Arizona Sen. John McCain: 164
  • Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani: 162
  • California Rep. Duncan Hunter: 158
  • Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: 85
  • Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: 80
  • Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich: 33 (write-in)
  • Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: 21
  • Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: 10
  • Attorney John Cox: 4
  • Texas Rep. Ron Paul: 4
  • Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice: 2 (write-in)
  • Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore: 1
  • Former Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson: 1
  • Sanders (the party was unable to identify this candidate): 1 (write-in)

A few interesting notes, Romney did well considering his relatively low star power in the state. Newt Gingrich, who is not a candidate, was written in more often than Mike Huckabee and Tommy Thompson…who ARE official candidates. The two people who wrote in Condi are about to become Democrats and Sanders…well he’s just a delicious mystery now isn’t he?