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What has two thumbs and loves the ladies?Louisiana is famous for its corrupt politics. Since judges are elected there, a defendant could conceivably donate money to the campaign of his own judge, something that could make justice a little tougher to find in the upper echelons of the state’s aristocracy.

It’s elected officials, however, are an entirely different breed of corrupt…a more entertaining breed. First William Jefferson’s freezer full o’ money and now David Vitter’s hooker-tastic evenings…what will come up next? Will Mary Landreau start exposing herself to children at the Smithsonian? Maybe Bobby Jindal will start selling crack hidden in his Bible out of the LoC? Who knows?

Vitter was elected in 2004, so there’s really nothing politically interesting here. This story will have dissipated by 2010 for sure. Mary Landreau will still lose her reelection campaign next year, Jindal will still win the Governor’s seat, and Jefferson will still be a douchebag.

One thing that might be considered redeeming about this entire situation is the ridiculous mentality voters have that American politicians have to be perfect, likable, gee whiz idiots to get elected. A lot of this is media driven, for sure, only in America do politicians get elected based on whether or not you’d like to have a beer with them.

Instead what happens is shrewd, brilliant, competent candidates like Bill Bradley, or even Hillary Clinton, get castigated by people saying “Well I just don’t like him/her”.

That’s ridiculous, you don’t have to like someone to know that they’ll do a great job, Democrats are lucky they have a slew of competent, capable, fantastic candidates in every tier who would make great Presidents. The Republicans? Well, Romney and McCain are the only two I see as being even remotely competent enough to handle running a country.

So, getting back to my original point, who cares that Vitter screwed a hooker? We should instead be caring that he’s a terrible Senator that has accomplished nothing significant while in office. There are some very smart Republicans in the Senate that seem to be doing all the legworkwhile Vitter manages to find the time to cheat on his wife with an overpaid college student.

Fantastic, next.

mccain1.jpgThe blogosphere, at this point, has it in for McCain.

I don’t really know why, perhaps its his oddly fascist-looking campaign website and cryptic, Franco-inspired logo? Or maybe it’s the stale air of a candidate who has done nothing remotely controversial or, frankly, interesting in his campaign thus far. He’s been spending too much money, too quickly, in all the wrong places and his campaign is suffering for it.

That being said, McCain managed to raise a little more than $11 million this quarter. Despite the mismanagement of his campaign, the number is significant. Let’s all have a nice, warm cup of perspective for a moment.

Can McCain win this nomination? While it’s difficult (read: irresponsible) to say for sure, we all know the answer is a big, resounding, no-effin’-way.

But let’s assume he could win; let’s pretend he’s not running against three well-financed and more popular opponents.

McCain has only $2 million in the bank, so a Romney-style TV ad blitz is out of the question for now, and he has no hope of running a real national campaign anytime soon. His only hope is an Edwards style blitz of the early primary states. Edwards has practically been living in Iowa and New Hampshire since he lost in 2004 and has plenty of money on hand to remain a viable contender for the nomination.

McCain, on the other hand, is relying on his charming townhall meetings. This is admittedly where he shines, but the truth is…how many of these can he realistically expect to host while still staying competitive in the Feb 5th states?

Truth is, we still can’t rule him out, no matter how unlikely it looks. Now for that nice glass of perspective I told you about before. McCain’s biggest threats are Giuliani, Romney, and Thompson (of the Fred variety). Both Romney and Giuliani’s respective campaigns are starting to hiccup…between the two Romney looks as though he’s stronger in the long term. Thompson is currently benefiting from a bit of a honeymoon, but I have a feeling voters will harden up to him once competency returns front and center…and once they figure out he’s as excited about being President as I am about being 60 some day…people will wise up.

It is still conceivable then that McCain could do enough townhalls, slap enough palms, and kiss enough babies the old fashioned way to gain momentum and media acceptance…possibly propelling him to the nomination on the virtual national primary on February 5th of next year.

Good luck Johnny boy, don’t let Charlie get to ya.

Well don't I look like a dick?According to the Politico, “potential” GOP Presidential candidate Fred Thompson flew to London today for the blessing of former Conservative Party leader and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in his bid to become the President of the United States of 1986.

I mean 2008, excuse me, I’m sorry.

Now any rational person would say something along the lines of “Why would a US candidate be looking for the endorsement of a former world leader who represents a party that has been out of power for more than a decade?” Well, rational person, Fred Thompson doesn’t care.

You see, Fred wants to pretend he’s Reagan, whose governing style was similar to Van Halen in that the leader did nothing except hog credit while the rest of the group went about ruining the country. This is a tactic Mr. Thompson is looking to emulate.

When Reagan ran for President, he had been a failed actor, the President of the Screen Actors Guild, and the Governor of the State of California. Mr. Thompson was a Senator from Tennessee who in his entire tenure did nothing to distinguish himself from his colleagues other than support McCain-Feingold, complain about how much work was involved in being a Senator, and marry a stripper.

Obviously, this man deserves to be President, especially since he’s already pretending to be the president.

When your only contribution to society is giving ugly men hope that they could marry pole dancers if they made enough money, the media deems you capable of running the country.

Back on track, Thompson will be having his picture taken with whatever is left of Lady Thatcher, and afterwards he’ll make out with David Cameron.

Of course, American conservatives should be furious that their golden boy feels the need to essentially ask permission from the former leader of another country before running for President, but of course they don’t care.

Liz Cheney, the well-known spawn of Beelzebub, and Mary “Botox” Matalin have also joined the Thompson campaign for some reason.

Image from Carlcoxphoto.com.

BAAAhahahahahaJerry “Dick in a Box” Falwell is no longer among the living. Thus, if attendance at his funeral is any indication, he is of no use to the Republican Party any longer.

At least not formally.

Falwell was the founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, an enormous ex-soda bottling plant, that was hailed as one of the original “mega churches” in the country. The complex housed more than 10,000 people for the douchebag’s funeral, and while the building isn’t quite large enough to decimate entire planets…it could easily take out Massachusetts, part of Vermont, and a good chunk of Tattooine.

Anyway, back on track, not ONE of the 3,000 people running for the GOP ticket in 2008 was there, not one. Mary worshipping Papists Giuliani and Brownback weren’t there, Tom Tancredo and Mike Huckabee were harpooning Mexicans and masturbating to Burger King ads, respectively. McCain was pooping in his pants, Tommy Thompson blamed his bladder and hearing aide again, and Romney was sacrificing a Shitzu to the great mormon turkey God, Gobbler.

Am I forgetting someone? Oh yeah, and no one cares about Ron Paul.

Via HuffPo/AP

Photo, and hilariously offensive t-shirt, from (maybe NSFW) T-Shirt Hell.

Woo wooI am absolutely fascinated by the nomination process our Republican friends are currently going through.

As they tear each other into chunks of gay-hating hamburger meat, they are doing it over chunks of policy that the public at large simply views quite differently.

Look, the primary process is an ugly beast that brings out the worst in everyone…but the Democrats are arguing over who wants to end the war faster, get more children healthcare coverage sooner, and who wants to bake America the biggest, most delicious cupcake…and Kucinich wants to make it entirely out of tree bark.

The Republicans on the other hand, are busy arguing about how many babies they want to abort, how many more wars we can start, how many more Guantanamos we can have, and how many John Edwards gay jokes we can throw into a single broadcast.

The hollow dialogue on the right just got substantially more interesting as John “Senile Fucker” McCain finally ripped into Mitt “Sacred Undergarments” Romney over his pandering.

“In the case of Gov. Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it’s changed in less than a year from his position before, And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don’t know.”

Zing. Romney retorted with a highbrow, civilized response that criticized McCain’s support over this week’s immigration bill…but it’s so boring I won’t dignify it with a quote. When a campaign drops the chance for publicity to simply let a zinger like that go uncontested…well that means it’s time to hire campaign staff that are allowed to drink coffee.

via CNN.

At last night’s second GOP debate at the University of South Carolina, 37 white men promised America that they would torture the living daylights out of anyone who’s ever tasted falafel.

A nice taste of the culture of modern Republicanism can be had in the video below, a few key notes:

  • Brit Hume obviously watches a lot of 24.
  • Everyone in that room thought John McCain was a giant pussy.
  • Rudy Giuliani looks like a grandpa and likes to torture people on the side…maybe by suffocating “terrorists” with gallons of fixodent or whatever it is old people use to “aggressively interrogate” people.
  • Romney wants to franchise Guantanamo Bay.

Even more torturetastic action after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

At the beginning of the primary season, these mass debates mean very little in the grand scheme of things. They are essentially avenues to test the front runners, no news at the early debates is good news.Buncha Honkies

That being said, last night’s GOP debate was an excellent example of why the Republicans will lose the White House, on stage were ten (10!) white men who all disagreed with the President, yet were all pretending to like him in some form or another.

Who came out on top? That’s debatable, as each candidate had his own effective one-liner. Personally I think Mitt Romney came off as the most impressive, he looked the most Presidential and proved he has a certain optimistic stoicism that will serve him well on the campaign trail. As a Democrat, I find him reprehensible, self-serving, and insincere. But if I were a Republican, I’d probably go for him.*

More after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Johnny.

The press has been unrelenting, after Giuliani made his much expected announcement that he was going to run for and lose the GOP primary, McCain decided he would follow suit and change his campaign from a previously arrogant andmccain.jpg presumptuous organization to an arrogant, presumptuous, and obtuse organization.

There is no such thing as fair in political campaigns, and after fielding the question of his age with humility and diplomacy for five years, McCain is now letting all of us know that we’re hurting his feelings and that we’re meanie heads.

Sure, the questioning is getting harsh, maybe a little bit mean spirited, but Americans have the right to be skeptical of a man who would be 76 at the end of his first Presidential term. The guy is almost at the point where his kids take away his car keys.

McCain’s incredibly ambitious attempt at winning the Presidency by losing the nomination and whining about it is in its next brilliant stage.  But do we really have to rub it in folks?

C’mon.

A lot of fuss has been made about the dollar amounts the various candidates have announced this quarter.

Momma has her $26 million plus a $10 million surplus from her senate race. Although he hasn’t officially announced his earnings yet, Obama reportedly used his Diet Jesus skills to net some $21-23 million.

Edwards chimed in with roughly $14 million, while Richardson pulled in a not-too-shabby $6 million. Dodd swung $4 million, I guess being chair of the Senate Banking Committee helps, and Biden pulled a measly $2 million.

On the Republican side, the Stormin’ Mormon kicked major GOP ass with $22 million, Giuliani came in second with $14 million, and McCain lagged behind with a paltry $12.5 million considering he still thinks he’s the inevitable candidate.

The real winners here? At first glance you’d say Clinton and Romney, and you’d be half right.

Clinton was fully expected to rake in cash, and even this enormous number is not all that surprising, but the real star of the Democrats is a Mr. Obama, who managed to net a larger donation base, with over 80,000 donors, than Clinton and her 50,000. Most of Obama’s donors obviously did not contribute the maximum, which means Obama has an entire mailing list of donors who are legally capable of donating more money and who have been willing to do so in the past.

On the GOP side, Romney is the clear winner here. Considering the man lacks any real name recognition outside of Massachusetts and Utah he has managed to propel his campaign to the top of the financial totem pole with his rolodex alone. Whether he has staying power remains to be seen…

Another interesting point to make is that, despite these numbers being record shattering in and of themselves, what is most interesting are the disparity between the Democratic and Republican candidates. Romney beat out every other Republican candidate, yet tied Obama in terms of funds. Even Biden and his 2 mil beat out all of the other 2nd and 3rd tier GOP candidates by leaps and bounds. Huckabee managed a pitiful $500,000.

Now lets see what things look like this summer when the second quarter results are due.

WashPo is reporting that Fred Thompson is seriously, seriously, considering running for President because he’s totally serious about thinking it over seriously.

The only reason he’s even being considered is due to the utter lack of any compelling Republican candidate. GOP primary voters can choose between a liberal, thrice divorced 9/11 shilling moron, a 900-year-old kooky POW who almost flipped sides, or self-righteous Mormon dude with fantastic hair.

Part of Thompson’s allure is that hypocritical gene within thelooking1.jpg Republican genome that craves to have an actor return to the Oval Office. Conservatives were at their peak when Ronnie Reagan was at the helm, the man inspired an entire generation of youthful liberals to vote for him with nothing more than a homey grandpa-like swagger and two million gallons of Just for Men.

If he enters the race, and I’m pretty certain he will, the GOP primary could get a LOT more interesting.