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mccain1.jpgThe blogosphere, at this point, has it in for McCain.

I don’t really know why, perhaps its his oddly fascist-looking campaign website and cryptic, Franco-inspired logo? Or maybe it’s the stale air of a candidate who has done nothing remotely controversial or, frankly, interesting in his campaign thus far. He’s been spending too much money, too quickly, in all the wrong places and his campaign is suffering for it.

That being said, McCain managed to raise a little more than $11 million this quarter. Despite the mismanagement of his campaign, the number is significant. Let’s all have a nice, warm cup of perspective for a moment.

Can McCain win this nomination? While it’s difficult (read: irresponsible) to say for sure, we all know the answer is a big, resounding, no-effin’-way.

But let’s assume he could win; let’s pretend he’s not running against three well-financed and more popular opponents.

McCain has only $2 million in the bank, so a Romney-style TV ad blitz is out of the question for now, and he has no hope of running a real national campaign anytime soon. His only hope is an Edwards style blitz of the early primary states. Edwards has practically been living in Iowa and New Hampshire since he lost in 2004 and has plenty of money on hand to remain a viable contender for the nomination.

McCain, on the other hand, is relying on his charming townhall meetings. This is admittedly where he shines, but the truth is…how many of these can he realistically expect to host while still staying competitive in the Feb 5th states?

Truth is, we still can’t rule him out, no matter how unlikely it looks. Now for that nice glass of perspective I told you about before. McCain’s biggest threats are Giuliani, Romney, and Thompson (of the Fred variety). Both Romney and Giuliani’s respective campaigns are starting to hiccup…between the two Romney looks as though he’s stronger in the long term. Thompson is currently benefiting from a bit of a honeymoon, but I have a feeling voters will harden up to him once competency returns front and center…and once they figure out he’s as excited about being President as I am about being 60 some day…people will wise up.

It is still conceivable then that McCain could do enough townhalls, slap enough palms, and kiss enough babies the old fashioned way to gain momentum and media acceptance…possibly propelling him to the nomination on the virtual national primary on February 5th of next year.

Good luck Johnny boy, don’t let Charlie get to ya.


BAAAhahahahahaJerry “Dick in a Box” Falwell is no longer among the living. Thus, if attendance at his funeral is any indication, he is of no use to the Republican Party any longer.

At least not formally.

Falwell was the founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, an enormous ex-soda bottling plant, that was hailed as one of the original “mega churches” in the country. The complex housed more than 10,000 people for the douchebag’s funeral, and while the building isn’t quite large enough to decimate entire planets…it could easily take out Massachusetts, part of Vermont, and a good chunk of Tattooine.

Anyway, back on track, not ONE of the 3,000 people running for the GOP ticket in 2008 was there, not one. Mary worshipping Papists Giuliani and Brownback weren’t there, Tom Tancredo and Mike Huckabee were harpooning Mexicans and masturbating to Burger King ads, respectively. McCain was pooping in his pants, Tommy Thompson blamed his bladder and hearing aide again, and Romney was sacrificing a Shitzu to the great mormon turkey God, Gobbler.

Am I forgetting someone? Oh yeah, and no one cares about Ron Paul.

Via HuffPo/AP

Photo, and hilariously offensive t-shirt, from (maybe NSFW) T-Shirt Hell.

Woo wooI am absolutely fascinated by the nomination process our Republican friends are currently going through.

As they tear each other into chunks of gay-hating hamburger meat, they are doing it over chunks of policy that the public at large simply views quite differently.

Look, the primary process is an ugly beast that brings out the worst in everyone…but the Democrats are arguing over who wants to end the war faster, get more children healthcare coverage sooner, and who wants to bake America the biggest, most delicious cupcake…and Kucinich wants to make it entirely out of tree bark.

The Republicans on the other hand, are busy arguing about how many babies they want to abort, how many more wars we can start, how many more Guantanamos we can have, and how many John Edwards gay jokes we can throw into a single broadcast.

The hollow dialogue on the right just got substantially more interesting as John “Senile Fucker” McCain finally ripped into Mitt “Sacred Undergarments” Romney over his pandering.

“In the case of Gov. Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it’s changed in less than a year from his position before, And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don’t know.”

Zing. Romney retorted with a highbrow, civilized response that criticized McCain’s support over this week’s immigration bill…but it’s so boring I won’t dignify it with a quote. When a campaign drops the chance for publicity to simply let a zinger like that go uncontested…well that means it’s time to hire campaign staff that are allowed to drink coffee.

via CNN.

At last night’s second GOP debate at the University of South Carolina, 37 white men promised America that they would torture the living daylights out of anyone who’s ever tasted falafel.

A nice taste of the culture of modern Republicanism can be had in the video below, a few key notes:

  • Brit Hume obviously watches a lot of 24.
  • Everyone in that room thought John McCain was a giant pussy.
  • Rudy Giuliani looks like a grandpa and likes to torture people on the side…maybe by suffocating “terrorists” with gallons of fixodent or whatever it is old people use to “aggressively interrogate” people.
  • Romney wants to franchise Guantanamo Bay.

Even more torturetastic action after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Johnny.

The press has been unrelenting, after Giuliani made his much expected announcement that he was going to run for and lose the GOP primary, McCain decided he would follow suit and change his campaign from a previously arrogant andmccain.jpg presumptuous organization to an arrogant, presumptuous, and obtuse organization.

There is no such thing as fair in political campaigns, and after fielding the question of his age with humility and diplomacy for five years, McCain is now letting all of us know that we’re hurting his feelings and that we’re meanie heads.

Sure, the questioning is getting harsh, maybe a little bit mean spirited, but Americans have the right to be skeptical of a man who would be 76 at the end of his first Presidential term. The guy is almost at the point where his kids take away his car keys.

McCain’s incredibly ambitious attempt at winning the Presidency by losing the nomination and whining about it is in its next brilliant stage.  But do we really have to rub it in folks?


According to The Hill, our good friend Johnny McCain seriously entertained leaving the GOP in 2001. After the obscene reaming he received from the Bush campaign in South Carolina and by the Swift Boat guys throughout the primary, then Senate majority leader Tom Daschle and several other key Democratic strategists reportedly courted three Republicans as possible deserters.mccain1.jpg

The three were not very surprising. Lincoln Chafee, the liberal Republican from Rhode Island, Jim Jeffords, another liberal Republican from Vermont, and McCain, a conservative Republican…but a maverick and a loose cannon who brought rock and roll to Pleasantville.

Jeffords, who had long wanted to bolt from the GOP, had no political capitol to lose in the state that brought you Howard Dean, Ben and Jerry’s, and hippies armed to the tooth. When Jeffords made his announcement, the other two immediately withdrew themselves from consideration, worried that a relatively large defection would hurt reelection efforts and jeopardize their committee placements should the Republicans regain power.

No doubt this will further hurt his primary fight should the story get legs. Looks like the Straight Talk Express will finally have to do some straight talkin’.

In 2005, people were claiming that McCain was heir to the White House. He was well liked across the ideological spectrum, he played nice with Jon Stewart, and he incited an odd…almost homo erotic fixation from men all over the country, both left and right, who would vote for him in a heartbeat.

Oh, how things change, John.mccain.jpg

Due to the complexities of campaign finance laws, candidates have to space out their announcements in order to begin fundraising without being subject to the strict limits on individual donations.

By creating an exploratory committee, candidates can let the public know they intend to run, collect donations, and still not have to abide by FEC standards until they officially announce their candidacy.

It was this strategy that McCain’s campaign had in mind. But with Guliani vastly ahead in the polls and Mitt Romney coming in strong as well, McCain decided to jump the gun on Letterman the other night.

Apparently, several of his staffers didn’t agree with his decision to jump the gun. In fact, they up and left.

With an imploding campaign, an enormous amount of animosity from the right, and goodwill turned distrust from the left…McCain is in mucho trouble.

Straw Polls…a throwback to the lighter, more democratic days of democracy or an attempt at garnering a few million more bucks in political contributions?

How about a little bit of column A and B?Selecting a straw man

South Carolina may not be the most high profile state in the union, but to Republicans and their primaries it is considered the holy grail of political trials. Winning South Carolina has, only for Republicans mind you, been staggeringly accurate at predicting the GOP’s presidential nominee.

Even though the primary is still more than a year away. every major candidate (and many of the non-major candidates) have been canvassing away. According to my liberal media source (read: CNN), Arizona Sen. John “Lo-Pan” McCain has managed to squeek past Guliani by TWO Votes.

The poll went as follows (via CNN):

  • Arizona Sen. John McCain: 164
  • Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani: 162
  • California Rep. Duncan Hunter: 158
  • Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: 85
  • Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: 80
  • Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich: 33 (write-in)
  • Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: 21
  • Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: 10
  • Attorney John Cox: 4
  • Texas Rep. Ron Paul: 4
  • Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice: 2 (write-in)
  • Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore: 1
  • Former Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson: 1
  • Sanders (the party was unable to identify this candidate): 1 (write-in)

A few interesting notes, Romney did well considering his relatively low star power in the state. Newt Gingrich, who is not a candidate, was written in more often than Mike Huckabee and Tommy Thompson…who ARE official candidates. The two people who wrote in Condi are about to become Democrats and Sanders…well he’s just a delicious mystery now isn’t he?

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