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Okay Mr. Gravel, like the vast majority of Americans, I have not watched any of the super-early Presidential debates, and I probably won’t for some time. Thanks to your commercials, I have decided to give you a bit of my attention. So why, oh why, did you choose these now infamous bits?

I’m still trying to wrap my head around them –and I don’t mean any supposedly deep meaning to them. I’m trying to figure out why they thought these almost caveman-themed ads were a good idea. Yes, they’re different from other political commercials –but so’s superimposing your campaign URL over footage of nitro-burning funny cars.

No, whoever came up with these sort of freaky gems decided that they wanted to send some kind of message. Okay then… here are a few of the readings I made from these commercials:

  • Mike Gravel is an angry mute
  • If you’re stuck in the wilderness, you better hope Gravel isn’t out to get you
  • Mike Gravel might just kill us all
  • Mike Gravel will help us, for a price
  • Mike Gravel: The world turns to ashes campaign
  • Mike Gravel pick up rock, Mike Gravel throw rock, rock go splash!

If there were deep meaning to these ads, they’re so deep down and lost in the bizarro-world mindset that dreamed them up that I don’t dare go after them, lest I get pulled in. But what sort of person has a mind this dark and twisted? I was curious to see what this Gravel was all about so Googled and found out the man was a goddam US Senator …from Alaska. Holy shit, and here I thought Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens (R-Alaska) was an outstanding case of Land of the Midnight Sun crazy. What the fuck are they feeding these people up there? Bears? These godless killing machines must have have poisoned the state. Yes, Mr. President, I know we get a lot of oil from this area, but –damn it, sir– it’s time to accept the state as a basket case and cut our losses before it spreads to our borders through Canada. Fire, Mr. President. It’s time to take some of those extra nukes and show the Eskimo (pardon, Inuit) what Northern Lights really look like.